fight the fear that breaks your heart..

Soo.. I'm a little bit homesick.

Summer in Korea is very veryyy different from summer in the US. At least, for me it is. No bonfires or picnics or gatherings with family. No canoe trips or trips to the lake or the beach.

I really thought I would be OK without those things this summer. But.. I'm really missing the people that make those moments so special. Ahh..

I've also realized tonight (once again) how homesick I am for Heaven. We have so many longings here on this earth.. Desires that maybe won't ever be fulfilled until we reach Heaven. I think one of those desires that won't be fulfilled until then is the desire to feel perfectly at home. Like we perfectly fit in and belong someplace. You see, whenever I'm at school, I miss home. Whenever I'm at home, I miss school. Now that I'm in Korea, I miss both of those places. But I know the second I leave, I am going to miss Korea sooo bad. I love this place. I really really do.. I'd like to live here in the future, that's how much I love it. But I'm never going to feel perfectly at home anywhere. Especially living overseas. I'm never going to feel like I fit in exactly 100%. So.. Why do I want that so badly?

I have two theories.

1.. I had it pretty nice when I was a little kid. Completely surrounded by lots of family, and lots of family that loved me. I felt peace and joy at being home. But then, you know, you grow up. You want to leave home and make a life for yourself. That's when you really realize how awesome your home was. (And is.)

2.. Ha.. We just weren't made for this earth. We long for the days when life will be perfect.. When WE will be perfect. You know.. for about the last six months, that's really what I have been longing for. For some reason, it's been harder to talk to God and to put Him first. I think one of the most difficult things for me in life is to rely on God. See, I LOVE people. And I would much rather turn to a person for reassurance and encouragement way before I ever want to go to God. But I know that for me to be able to move on in life.. for me to get to the next level of where God wants me to be, and for me to someday be able to have a healthy serious relationship, then I just can't look to people for all of those things. I think that's part of why God brought me on this trip. Cuz guess what! I'm currently 7,000 miles away from my family and 75% of my friends. Plus, the friends that I have here, I don't want to be more of a burden to them than I already am simply by being a foreigner in a strange country. So I have really been trying lately to go to God first for things.. When my heart hurts, when I'm lonely, when I'm stressed out..

You know, that it something I have been failing at for a very very long time. Sometimes now I can do it. It's something I want to be so much better at, though.

I have a passage of Scripture I would like to share with you pertaining to that. But first, let give you a little back story.

Alright. First of all.. I am currently attending Dongbaek Jiguchon Global Mission Church located in Yongin, Korea. It is a great church with so many wonderful people. Two of those such wonderful people happen to be my translators. My dear friend Daniella, a new friend I've made in Dongbaek, and JinSeong, my trustworthy translator from my Korean church at Liberty. However, last Sunday, both of my translators did special music at another nearby church. I was therefore left translator-less. Haha. But you know what? I wanted so badly to hear from God that morning. Actually, I wanted to hear from Him, but I think I just felt like He had something to tell me, more than anything else. Recently, I've been wanting to want God more. So I prayed that He would speak to me and tell me something to make me want more of Him. I didn't really know how He was going to talk to me since I wouldn't be able to understand the message in Korean, but God has shown me recently (many times) that He is not bound by my lack of ability to speak Korean. So I trusted and prayed that He would speak to my heart anyway.

As the sermon started, I ended up sitting next to one of my friends from LU, Woongbin. Now Woongbin is probably one of my favorite people on the planet, but translating is just not his cup of tea. Haha. (At least at this point, anyway.) However, he at least told me the passages of scripture the pastor was reading. And you know what? God revealed some amazing things to me. He spoke right to my weakest point last Sunday. And He scared me a little bit. One of the main passages of scripture the Lord showed me was 2 Chronicles chapter 16.

This passage talks about Asa, King of Judah. Now you really should take the time to read this passage yourself. I pray that God will speak to you through it. But I'll try to sum things up for you, too.

Basically, long story short, during this particular time in Judah's history, Asa decided to turn to the King of Syria for help rather than turning to the Lord. Hanani the seer is the moral mouthpiece of the story when he confronts Asa and says(I'm pretty sure this is how he said it), "Dude. Whatch you doing?! You went and decided to rely on the King of Syria instead of the Lord your God, and look. Now the army of the King of Syria has escaped you. Don't you remember the huuuge army of the Ethiopians and the Libyans? They were armed with sooo many chariots and horseman. But because you relied on the Lord, He gave them into your hand. For the eyes of the LORD run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to give strong support to those whose heart is blameless toward Him. But Asa, you have acted foolishly in this, for from now on you will have wars."

The Scripture goes on to say of some pretty awful things that Asa did after Hanani told him these things.

Finally, "During the thirty-ninth year of his reign, Asa was diseased in his feet, and his disease became severe. Yet even in his disease he did not seek the LORD, but sought help from physicians." The next verse goes on to say that Asa died two years later.

Of one thing, I am very sure. I DO NOT WANT TO BE LIKE THIS.

I do not want to be like Asa. I do not want my life to continue on in the manner of not turning to the Lord. I don't want to die knowing that I could have lived a better life, had a closer walk with my God but did not because I was too afraid to trust the One who holds the fate of me and the entire world in His hands. My walk with the Lord is not going to go that way. It is going to be a walk where we are hand-in-hand, the Lord ever leading me and pulling me yet closer and closer to Him. He will not make stumble. He will not let my foot hit a rock, if I simply hold onto Him.

I have prayed lately that the Lord will take away the fear that is in my heart. For 6 months now, (maybe longer, remembering other seasons) I have been so afraid of what I thought the Lord has been calling me to do. But you know what? His perfect love casts out fear. There is NO FEAR in the love of God.

Though an army encamp against me, MY HEART SHALL NOT FEAR. And it's so crazy.. Because when I think of the things that the Lord has led me through in this past year.. The things to me that have been so scary and absolutely horrifying to me.. God let me go through those things so that I would be able to fight any other fear in my life. Through those things, He showed me how strong He is. And how good He is. He has shown me that He WILL bring deliverance. He has shown me that life works in seasons, even bad things. He will bring deliverance, and He ALWAYS brings peace.

And I guess, I am thrilled. Because this is the area in my life where I see the most victory right now. I see how God has overcome many spiritual battles for me. He has given me stamina and He is what has pulled me through.

And even just thinking through this and writing this all out shows me and proves to me that even when I get homesick and when I am having a hard time, God is still bringing victory. And the fact that I know that victory is coming is victory in itself.

Ah. I serve a beautiful Lord. I am so blessed to be able to say that. We are all so blessed to say that, aren't we?

Anyway.. Please continue to pray for me. I am realizing more and more that prayer is absolutely vital. Pray prayers of protection for me. Prayers against spiritual warfare in my life and in the lives of the lovely people the Lord is using me to minster to. Pray that the Lord will always give me strength and His peace in "scary" situations. Pray against fear that the enemy tries to plant in my head. And now, I pray for all of You (and myself) that we would constantly look to the eyes of our Father. There is so much love contained in them. One look to them, and we know His intentions are truly good and that He will hold us and that He will not let us go. He is what we are living for. And I will not fear when I look into His eyes and see the love He has for me.

I'm praying for all of you.

Much love from South Korea,
Carlie <3