i was not created for this..
which means i quite clearly cannot handle it..
Monday, July 4, 2011
Saturday, June 25, 2011
fight the fear that breaks your heart..
Soo.. I'm a little bit homesick.
Summer in Korea is very veryyy different from summer in the US. At least, for me it is. No bonfires or picnics or gatherings with family. No canoe trips or trips to the lake or the beach.
I really thought I would be OK without those things this summer. But.. I'm really missing the people that make those moments so special. Ahh..
I've also realized tonight (once again) how homesick I am for Heaven. We have so many longings here on this earth.. Desires that maybe won't ever be fulfilled until we reach Heaven. I think one of those desires that won't be fulfilled until then is the desire to feel perfectly at home. Like we perfectly fit in and belong someplace. You see, whenever I'm at school, I miss home. Whenever I'm at home, I miss school. Now that I'm in Korea, I miss both of those places. But I know the second I leave, I am going to miss Korea sooo bad. I love this place. I really really do.. I'd like to live here in the future, that's how much I love it. But I'm never going to feel perfectly at home anywhere. Especially living overseas. I'm never going to feel like I fit in exactly 100%. So.. Why do I want that so badly?
I have two theories.
1.. I had it pretty nice when I was a little kid. Completely surrounded by lots of family, and lots of family that loved me. I felt peace and joy at being home. But then, you know, you grow up. You want to leave home and make a life for yourself. That's when you really realize how awesome your home was. (And is.)
2.. Ha.. We just weren't made for this earth. We long for the days when life will be perfect.. When WE will be perfect. You know.. for about the last six months, that's really what I have been longing for. For some reason, it's been harder to talk to God and to put Him first. I think one of the most difficult things for me in life is to rely on God. See, I LOVE people. And I would much rather turn to a person for reassurance and encouragement way before I ever want to go to God. But I know that for me to be able to move on in life.. for me to get to the next level of where God wants me to be, and for me to someday be able to have a healthy serious relationship, then I just can't look to people for all of those things. I think that's part of why God brought me on this trip. Cuz guess what! I'm currently 7,000 miles away from my family and 75% of my friends. Plus, the friends that I have here, I don't want to be more of a burden to them than I already am simply by being a foreigner in a strange country. So I have really been trying lately to go to God first for things.. When my heart hurts, when I'm lonely, when I'm stressed out..
You know, that it something I have been failing at for a very very long time. Sometimes now I can do it. It's something I want to be so much better at, though.
I have a passage of Scripture I would like to share with you pertaining to that. But first, let give you a little back story.
Alright. First of all.. I am currently attending Dongbaek Jiguchon Global Mission Church located in Yongin, Korea. It is a great church with so many wonderful people. Two of those such wonderful people happen to be my translators. My dear friend Daniella, a new friend I've made in Dongbaek, and JinSeong, my trustworthy translator from my Korean church at Liberty. However, last Sunday, both of my translators did special music at another nearby church. I was therefore left translator-less. Haha. But you know what? I wanted so badly to hear from God that morning. Actually, I wanted to hear from Him, but I think I just felt like He had something to tell me, more than anything else. Recently, I've been wanting to want God more. So I prayed that He would speak to me and tell me something to make me want more of Him. I didn't really know how He was going to talk to me since I wouldn't be able to understand the message in Korean, but God has shown me recently (many times) that He is not bound by my lack of ability to speak Korean. So I trusted and prayed that He would speak to my heart anyway.
As the sermon started, I ended up sitting next to one of my friends from LU, Woongbin. Now Woongbin is probably one of my favorite people on the planet, but translating is just not his cup of tea. Haha. (At least at this point, anyway.) However, he at least told me the passages of scripture the pastor was reading. And you know what? God revealed some amazing things to me. He spoke right to my weakest point last Sunday. And He scared me a little bit. One of the main passages of scripture the Lord showed me was 2 Chronicles chapter 16.
This passage talks about Asa, King of Judah. Now you really should take the time to read this passage yourself. I pray that God will speak to you through it. But I'll try to sum things up for you, too.
Basically, long story short, during this particular time in Judah's history, Asa decided to turn to the King of Syria for help rather than turning to the Lord. Hanani the seer is the moral mouthpiece of the story when he confronts Asa and says(I'm pretty sure this is how he said it), "Dude. Whatch you doing?! You went and decided to rely on the King of Syria instead of the Lord your God, and look. Now the army of the King of Syria has escaped you. Don't you remember the huuuge army of the Ethiopians and the Libyans? They were armed with sooo many chariots and horseman. But because you relied on the Lord, He gave them into your hand. For the eyes of the LORD run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to give strong support to those whose heart is blameless toward Him. But Asa, you have acted foolishly in this, for from now on you will have wars."
The Scripture goes on to say of some pretty awful things that Asa did after Hanani told him these things.
Finally, "During the thirty-ninth year of his reign, Asa was diseased in his feet, and his disease became severe. Yet even in his disease he did not seek the LORD, but sought help from physicians." The next verse goes on to say that Asa died two years later.
Of one thing, I am very sure. I DO NOT WANT TO BE LIKE THIS.
I do not want to be like Asa. I do not want my life to continue on in the manner of not turning to the Lord. I don't want to die knowing that I could have lived a better life, had a closer walk with my God but did not because I was too afraid to trust the One who holds the fate of me and the entire world in His hands. My walk with the Lord is not going to go that way. It is going to be a walk where we are hand-in-hand, the Lord ever leading me and pulling me yet closer and closer to Him. He will not make stumble. He will not let my foot hit a rock, if I simply hold onto Him.
I have prayed lately that the Lord will take away the fear that is in my heart. For 6 months now, (maybe longer, remembering other seasons) I have been so afraid of what I thought the Lord has been calling me to do. But you know what? His perfect love casts out fear. There is NO FEAR in the love of God.
Though an army encamp against me, MY HEART SHALL NOT FEAR. And it's so crazy.. Because when I think of the things that the Lord has led me through in this past year.. The things to me that have been so scary and absolutely horrifying to me.. God let me go through those things so that I would be able to fight any other fear in my life. Through those things, He showed me how strong He is. And how good He is. He has shown me that He WILL bring deliverance. He has shown me that life works in seasons, even bad things. He will bring deliverance, and He ALWAYS brings peace.
And I guess, I am thrilled. Because this is the area in my life where I see the most victory right now. I see how God has overcome many spiritual battles for me. He has given me stamina and He is what has pulled me through.
And even just thinking through this and writing this all out shows me and proves to me that even when I get homesick and when I am having a hard time, God is still bringing victory. And the fact that I know that victory is coming is victory in itself.
Ah. I serve a beautiful Lord. I am so blessed to be able to say that. We are all so blessed to say that, aren't we?
Anyway.. Please continue to pray for me. I am realizing more and more that prayer is absolutely vital. Pray prayers of protection for me. Prayers against spiritual warfare in my life and in the lives of the lovely people the Lord is using me to minster to. Pray that the Lord will always give me strength and His peace in "scary" situations. Pray against fear that the enemy tries to plant in my head. And now, I pray for all of You (and myself) that we would constantly look to the eyes of our Father. There is so much love contained in them. One look to them, and we know His intentions are truly good and that He will hold us and that He will not let us go. He is what we are living for. And I will not fear when I look into His eyes and see the love He has for me.
I'm praying for all of you.
Much love from South Korea,
Carlie <3
Summer in Korea is very veryyy different from summer in the US. At least, for me it is. No bonfires or picnics or gatherings with family. No canoe trips or trips to the lake or the beach.
I really thought I would be OK without those things this summer. But.. I'm really missing the people that make those moments so special. Ahh..
I've also realized tonight (once again) how homesick I am for Heaven. We have so many longings here on this earth.. Desires that maybe won't ever be fulfilled until we reach Heaven. I think one of those desires that won't be fulfilled until then is the desire to feel perfectly at home. Like we perfectly fit in and belong someplace. You see, whenever I'm at school, I miss home. Whenever I'm at home, I miss school. Now that I'm in Korea, I miss both of those places. But I know the second I leave, I am going to miss Korea sooo bad. I love this place. I really really do.. I'd like to live here in the future, that's how much I love it. But I'm never going to feel perfectly at home anywhere. Especially living overseas. I'm never going to feel like I fit in exactly 100%. So.. Why do I want that so badly?
I have two theories.
1.. I had it pretty nice when I was a little kid. Completely surrounded by lots of family, and lots of family that loved me. I felt peace and joy at being home. But then, you know, you grow up. You want to leave home and make a life for yourself. That's when you really realize how awesome your home was. (And is.)
2.. Ha.. We just weren't made for this earth. We long for the days when life will be perfect.. When WE will be perfect. You know.. for about the last six months, that's really what I have been longing for. For some reason, it's been harder to talk to God and to put Him first. I think one of the most difficult things for me in life is to rely on God. See, I LOVE people. And I would much rather turn to a person for reassurance and encouragement way before I ever want to go to God. But I know that for me to be able to move on in life.. for me to get to the next level of where God wants me to be, and for me to someday be able to have a healthy serious relationship, then I just can't look to people for all of those things. I think that's part of why God brought me on this trip. Cuz guess what! I'm currently 7,000 miles away from my family and 75% of my friends. Plus, the friends that I have here, I don't want to be more of a burden to them than I already am simply by being a foreigner in a strange country. So I have really been trying lately to go to God first for things.. When my heart hurts, when I'm lonely, when I'm stressed out..
You know, that it something I have been failing at for a very very long time. Sometimes now I can do it. It's something I want to be so much better at, though.
I have a passage of Scripture I would like to share with you pertaining to that. But first, let give you a little back story.
Alright. First of all.. I am currently attending Dongbaek Jiguchon Global Mission Church located in Yongin, Korea. It is a great church with so many wonderful people. Two of those such wonderful people happen to be my translators. My dear friend Daniella, a new friend I've made in Dongbaek, and JinSeong, my trustworthy translator from my Korean church at Liberty. However, last Sunday, both of my translators did special music at another nearby church. I was therefore left translator-less. Haha. But you know what? I wanted so badly to hear from God that morning. Actually, I wanted to hear from Him, but I think I just felt like He had something to tell me, more than anything else. Recently, I've been wanting to want God more. So I prayed that He would speak to me and tell me something to make me want more of Him. I didn't really know how He was going to talk to me since I wouldn't be able to understand the message in Korean, but God has shown me recently (many times) that He is not bound by my lack of ability to speak Korean. So I trusted and prayed that He would speak to my heart anyway.
As the sermon started, I ended up sitting next to one of my friends from LU, Woongbin. Now Woongbin is probably one of my favorite people on the planet, but translating is just not his cup of tea. Haha. (At least at this point, anyway.) However, he at least told me the passages of scripture the pastor was reading. And you know what? God revealed some amazing things to me. He spoke right to my weakest point last Sunday. And He scared me a little bit. One of the main passages of scripture the Lord showed me was 2 Chronicles chapter 16.
This passage talks about Asa, King of Judah. Now you really should take the time to read this passage yourself. I pray that God will speak to you through it. But I'll try to sum things up for you, too.
Basically, long story short, during this particular time in Judah's history, Asa decided to turn to the King of Syria for help rather than turning to the Lord. Hanani the seer is the moral mouthpiece of the story when he confronts Asa and says(I'm pretty sure this is how he said it), "Dude. Whatch you doing?! You went and decided to rely on the King of Syria instead of the Lord your God, and look. Now the army of the King of Syria has escaped you. Don't you remember the huuuge army of the Ethiopians and the Libyans? They were armed with sooo many chariots and horseman. But because you relied on the Lord, He gave them into your hand. For the eyes of the LORD run to and fro throughout the whole earth, to give strong support to those whose heart is blameless toward Him. But Asa, you have acted foolishly in this, for from now on you will have wars."
The Scripture goes on to say of some pretty awful things that Asa did after Hanani told him these things.
Finally, "During the thirty-ninth year of his reign, Asa was diseased in his feet, and his disease became severe. Yet even in his disease he did not seek the LORD, but sought help from physicians." The next verse goes on to say that Asa died two years later.
Of one thing, I am very sure. I DO NOT WANT TO BE LIKE THIS.
I do not want to be like Asa. I do not want my life to continue on in the manner of not turning to the Lord. I don't want to die knowing that I could have lived a better life, had a closer walk with my God but did not because I was too afraid to trust the One who holds the fate of me and the entire world in His hands. My walk with the Lord is not going to go that way. It is going to be a walk where we are hand-in-hand, the Lord ever leading me and pulling me yet closer and closer to Him. He will not make stumble. He will not let my foot hit a rock, if I simply hold onto Him.
I have prayed lately that the Lord will take away the fear that is in my heart. For 6 months now, (maybe longer, remembering other seasons) I have been so afraid of what I thought the Lord has been calling me to do. But you know what? His perfect love casts out fear. There is NO FEAR in the love of God.
Though an army encamp against me, MY HEART SHALL NOT FEAR. And it's so crazy.. Because when I think of the things that the Lord has led me through in this past year.. The things to me that have been so scary and absolutely horrifying to me.. God let me go through those things so that I would be able to fight any other fear in my life. Through those things, He showed me how strong He is. And how good He is. He has shown me that He WILL bring deliverance. He has shown me that life works in seasons, even bad things. He will bring deliverance, and He ALWAYS brings peace.
And I guess, I am thrilled. Because this is the area in my life where I see the most victory right now. I see how God has overcome many spiritual battles for me. He has given me stamina and He is what has pulled me through.
And even just thinking through this and writing this all out shows me and proves to me that even when I get homesick and when I am having a hard time, God is still bringing victory. And the fact that I know that victory is coming is victory in itself.
Ah. I serve a beautiful Lord. I am so blessed to be able to say that. We are all so blessed to say that, aren't we?
Anyway.. Please continue to pray for me. I am realizing more and more that prayer is absolutely vital. Pray prayers of protection for me. Prayers against spiritual warfare in my life and in the lives of the lovely people the Lord is using me to minster to. Pray that the Lord will always give me strength and His peace in "scary" situations. Pray against fear that the enemy tries to plant in my head. And now, I pray for all of You (and myself) that we would constantly look to the eyes of our Father. There is so much love contained in them. One look to them, and we know His intentions are truly good and that He will hold us and that He will not let us go. He is what we are living for. And I will not fear when I look into His eyes and see the love He has for me.
I'm praying for all of you.
Much love from South Korea,
Carlie <3
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Korea Post #1.. (although it's not really about Korea..)
God, I just have sooo much welling up inside my heart right now. And I would really like to share it with somebody. But I don't feel like the appropriate person to share it with is in my life right now. But I feel like if I don't share it soon.. If I don't have the chance to talk to somebody else who feels the same way about the same things.. Then I just feel like I'm going to burst.
But God, I know that You will bring me the right person to talk to at the right time. I will try to be patient.
Please bring them soon..
I'm realizing more and more lately how it's important to save certain conversations and discussions for certain special people in your life. That's what I'm trying to do, God. I know You understand.. So please.. Don't let me be lonely with these things for much longer...
But God, I know that You will bring me the right person to talk to at the right time. I will try to be patient.
Please bring them soon..
I'm realizing more and more lately how it's important to save certain conversations and discussions for certain special people in your life. That's what I'm trying to do, God. I know You understand.. So please.. Don't let me be lonely with these things for much longer...
Friday, May 13, 2011
Your love is strong..
God.. I realize that I have a lot to learn. And I think.. I feel like I’m not even supposed to be questioning You right now. And I feel like I’ve had lots of questions for You lately. And I haven’t felt strong. I’ve felt very very weak. And I’ve felt needy. But I’ve felt as though it’s been hard to connect with You lately. I hate that. I feel like I need to rely on You more than ever before. But I feel like it’s so hard. Like.. it’s just different now. I don’t know if I’m detached or disconnected or just focused too much on my own self or issues or what.. but God. We need You. And I know You know that.. but I don’t understand what You are trying to teach us or show us right now. And Lord, my spirit cries out to You. I’m crying out for You.. I’m sorry if it seems stifled or impure or really really broken right now.. but that’s what it is. That’s what we are.. we’re just.. really really really broken. And we don’t know what’s going on. It’s so hard to see right now.. God show us Your goodness and show us that You love us. This stage of waiting.. of not knowing what’s going on.. it’s so difficult. And God.. there’s not always much motivation to keep holding on or to keep going on with life. The pain is.. like a knife in the middle of our souls. As we try to move.. as we try to breathe.. it tears our flesh. It tears the very things that cause us to keep on. It’s like it’s caught in our lung.. ah, God, it hurts to breathe.
Lord.. just help us to keep moving, to keep going. Help us to see You in each and every day. Give us some blessing in every day. Help us to see them. Preserve us, Father God. Show us Your strength, Lord. God, I feel like I am at the end of myself now.. and I’m not certain that things are going to become easier. So please, Father.. wrap Your arms around Your children. Show us Your deep and great love every single day. Father, that’s what we need. There is no way we can survive without it. Lord, catch our tears at night. Wipe them from our faces. Comfort us in our need. Hold our hands and hold our hearts. Help us to know how to reach out to one another, and show us that there is redemption and so much grace to be found when we reach out in our misery. Because Lord, in our misery, there is ministry. And in some ways, that seems so demented and distorted.. but honestly.. God, I think that is Your grace. We know that because of the way You work.. and the way that You show Your love.. You redeem these painful situations. You really do bring good out of them. And I think.. we truly are so afraid God, because we don’t know how much it will hurt. We don’t know how bad You will let things get. We don’t know if there’s a limit.. we don’t know what all You will take from us or when You will stop. And God.. we don’t want to see You as a monster. And I don’t think we do.. But Lord.. we are still so scared. We are scared little children. That’s all we are. And Lord.. humbly, Father God, we come before You on our faces, and God, we beg for You to have mercy on us. Father God, from the bottoms of our hearts we cry out. We know there is nothing in us that deserves any good from You.. but Father God, we do know that You work all things together for good for those who love You. And Father God.. we love You. God, we love You so much. You have given us our breath, You have given us our very being, and everything that has ever caused our hearts to want to beat. Father, continue to give us things to make our heart beat. Let our hearts beat for You. Give us strength, Father God. Give us Your kingdom to look forward to.. Your kingdom on earth, and Your kingdom in heaven. Father God, give us the food we need to get through the day. And forgive us Father God as we forgive the people that wrong us. (We really are all equal..)
I look out the window
The birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune
Or out of place
And God.. that’s what’s so hard to see right now.. that nothing really is out of place. It may seem like it right now.. God, it all seems so messed up and so ugly and our hearts hurt so bad because of it.. But Lord.. Sovereign Lord.. we do know that You are over EVERYTHING and that YOU will make EVERYTHING BEAUTIFUL in Your time.
That is beautiful to me, my Lord. You are so beautiful..
May we strive for that, Lord. May we live to see Your beauty.. May we strive to see the day when You.. when Your presence alone redeems all and makes everything beautiful.
Calm our hearts Lord.. Soothe our hearts.. Heal our broken places.. Let us see a glimmer of Your beauty in this.. Make things beautiful, God.. Redeem our weaknesses, even in this moment Lord.. Heal us.. Save us.. Let Your love be strong..
Your love is strong..
Lord, help us to see that Your kingdom is advancing through this.. None of this will be in vain, God.. Redeem, God. Redeem every situation..
Two things You told me..
That You are strong
And that You love me…
Your love is.. Your love is.. Your love is strong..
Our God in heaven hallowed be
Thy Name above all Names..
Your kingdom come, Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us weary sinners
Keep us far from our vices and
Deliver us from these prisons
Father God.. we just need You..
Enter into the cavities of our souls and fill our spirits with Yours..
We need You…
---
Lord.. just help us to keep moving, to keep going. Help us to see You in each and every day. Give us some blessing in every day. Help us to see them. Preserve us, Father God. Show us Your strength, Lord. God, I feel like I am at the end of myself now.. and I’m not certain that things are going to become easier. So please, Father.. wrap Your arms around Your children. Show us Your deep and great love every single day. Father, that’s what we need. There is no way we can survive without it. Lord, catch our tears at night. Wipe them from our faces. Comfort us in our need. Hold our hands and hold our hearts. Help us to know how to reach out to one another, and show us that there is redemption and so much grace to be found when we reach out in our misery. Because Lord, in our misery, there is ministry. And in some ways, that seems so demented and distorted.. but honestly.. God, I think that is Your grace. We know that because of the way You work.. and the way that You show Your love.. You redeem these painful situations. You really do bring good out of them. And I think.. we truly are so afraid God, because we don’t know how much it will hurt. We don’t know how bad You will let things get. We don’t know if there’s a limit.. we don’t know what all You will take from us or when You will stop. And God.. we don’t want to see You as a monster. And I don’t think we do.. But Lord.. we are still so scared. We are scared little children. That’s all we are. And Lord.. humbly, Father God, we come before You on our faces, and God, we beg for You to have mercy on us. Father God, from the bottoms of our hearts we cry out. We know there is nothing in us that deserves any good from You.. but Father God, we do know that You work all things together for good for those who love You. And Father God.. we love You. God, we love You so much. You have given us our breath, You have given us our very being, and everything that has ever caused our hearts to want to beat. Father, continue to give us things to make our heart beat. Let our hearts beat for You. Give us strength, Father God. Give us Your kingdom to look forward to.. Your kingdom on earth, and Your kingdom in heaven. Father God, give us the food we need to get through the day. And forgive us Father God as we forgive the people that wrong us. (We really are all equal..)
I look out the window
The birds are composing
Not a note is out of tune
Or out of place
And God.. that’s what’s so hard to see right now.. that nothing really is out of place. It may seem like it right now.. God, it all seems so messed up and so ugly and our hearts hurt so bad because of it.. But Lord.. Sovereign Lord.. we do know that You are over EVERYTHING and that YOU will make EVERYTHING BEAUTIFUL in Your time.
That is beautiful to me, my Lord. You are so beautiful..
May we strive for that, Lord. May we live to see Your beauty.. May we strive to see the day when You.. when Your presence alone redeems all and makes everything beautiful.
Calm our hearts Lord.. Soothe our hearts.. Heal our broken places.. Let us see a glimmer of Your beauty in this.. Make things beautiful, God.. Redeem our weaknesses, even in this moment Lord.. Heal us.. Save us.. Let Your love be strong..
Your love is strong..
Lord, help us to see that Your kingdom is advancing through this.. None of this will be in vain, God.. Redeem, God. Redeem every situation..
Two things You told me..
That You are strong
And that You love me…
Your love is.. Your love is.. Your love is strong..
Our God in heaven hallowed be
Thy Name above all Names..
Your kingdom come, Your will be done
On earth as it is in heaven
Give us today our daily bread
Forgive us weary sinners
Keep us far from our vices and
Deliver us from these prisons
Father God.. we just need You..
Enter into the cavities of our souls and fill our spirits with Yours..
We need You…
---
Sunday, January 9, 2011
God, I need Your mercy..
i just need to be better.
i need to do better.
i need to be a better person.
i need to work harder.
i need to think of others first.
i need to not fight.
i need to know when to back down.
i need to not be snotty and rude. (seems i only ever am to the people i care about the most.. what does that show them? definitely not how much i love them.)
i need to go to bed earlier.
i need to eat more protein.
i need to work out more.
i need time for myself.
but i need to spend way more time serving others.
i need to not look down on people for ANYTHING. absolutely anything at all. i have no reason to look down on anybody because we all are created in the image of God.
i need to love my parents.
i need to never argue with them. (i always seem to think that i know best and that if they just listen to my reasoning, they will understand. well.. this just causes problems. i need to ALWAYS remember that it doesn't really matter who is right and who's wrong in our silly arguments. it's about me respecting them. just because they are my parents that God has blessed me with.)
i need to be humble when it comes to my family. i need to SERVE THEM.
i need to be extremely selfless when it comes to my family. completely and entirely.
gosh.. i have a lot of work to do :/
Lord, help me to grow the more than i ever have through this next year. help me to be better. help me to show my family a new me. for some reason, i have the hardest time when it comes to my family. i love them unlike anybody else in the world, but i have the hardest time showing them that. i feel like things are completely different when i'm with my family. i'm sorry about that, and i'd like to start over. i am completely scared with all of this, because i'm afraid i'm going to fail and suck at this. but Lord.. i know that with Your strength and with Your love and Your patience, i can do this. so please help me to do so. please help me to be very conscious of this every time i'm around them. help me to be conscious of other people's time, Lord. help me help me help me.. i am in desperate need of Your help and Your boundless love.
Help me to show them that love. and act with it every time i'm around them. God, i want these relationships to be the best that i have in my life. please bless them sooo greatly, and show me grace here, even where i don't deserve. please, Father God. Lord, please, i am crying out to You..
please save me, Lord. save these relationships. may You be sooo glorified and honored through each one of them, God. be King of my life in these relationships. i am sorry for where i have fallen. but please be here and stop this now. please come in and resurrect them, Lord God. i give myself and i give these relationships to You to do Your good will in them.
thank You for the blessings You will give, Father God.
i lay these requests humbly at Your feet, knowing i am in need of Your mercy..
i need to do better.
i need to be a better person.
i need to work harder.
i need to think of others first.
i need to not fight.
i need to know when to back down.
i need to not be snotty and rude. (seems i only ever am to the people i care about the most.. what does that show them? definitely not how much i love them.)
i need to go to bed earlier.
i need to eat more protein.
i need to work out more.
i need time for myself.
but i need to spend way more time serving others.
i need to not look down on people for ANYTHING. absolutely anything at all. i have no reason to look down on anybody because we all are created in the image of God.
i need to love my parents.
i need to never argue with them. (i always seem to think that i know best and that if they just listen to my reasoning, they will understand. well.. this just causes problems. i need to ALWAYS remember that it doesn't really matter who is right and who's wrong in our silly arguments. it's about me respecting them. just because they are my parents that God has blessed me with.)
i need to be humble when it comes to my family. i need to SERVE THEM.
i need to be extremely selfless when it comes to my family. completely and entirely.
gosh.. i have a lot of work to do :/
Lord, help me to grow the more than i ever have through this next year. help me to be better. help me to show my family a new me. for some reason, i have the hardest time when it comes to my family. i love them unlike anybody else in the world, but i have the hardest time showing them that. i feel like things are completely different when i'm with my family. i'm sorry about that, and i'd like to start over. i am completely scared with all of this, because i'm afraid i'm going to fail and suck at this. but Lord.. i know that with Your strength and with Your love and Your patience, i can do this. so please help me to do so. please help me to be very conscious of this every time i'm around them. help me to be conscious of other people's time, Lord. help me help me help me.. i am in desperate need of Your help and Your boundless love.
Help me to show them that love. and act with it every time i'm around them. God, i want these relationships to be the best that i have in my life. please bless them sooo greatly, and show me grace here, even where i don't deserve. please, Father God. Lord, please, i am crying out to You..
please save me, Lord. save these relationships. may You be sooo glorified and honored through each one of them, God. be King of my life in these relationships. i am sorry for where i have fallen. but please be here and stop this now. please come in and resurrect them, Lord God. i give myself and i give these relationships to You to do Your good will in them.
thank You for the blessings You will give, Father God.
i lay these requests humbly at Your feet, knowing i am in need of Your mercy..
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